


the ghosts that we knew (will flicker from view)

by hope27



Category: Arrow (TV 2012)
Genre: F/M, Friendship/Love, Season/Series 02
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-12-18
Updated: 2013-12-18
Packaged: 2018-01-05 00:34:25
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,261
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1087479
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hope27/pseuds/hope27
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A tag to the 2x09 episode in which Oliver and Felicity have a discussion about trust, the past, and the first time they met.</p>
            </blockquote>





	the ghosts that we knew (will flicker from view)

**Author's Note:**

> Hey everyone! Well, this took me long enough to write. So much longer than it should have however, real life got busy and writing got pushed to the back burner.
> 
> Either way, here is a little tag to the 2x09 episode which basically turned into Oliver and Felicity discussing a few things I wish they would talk about on the show…they probably won’t…so here’s this.
> 
> Thank you for your kind wishes on my Master's graduation! You are so wonderful and I appreciate the thoughtfulness! Consider this my thank you for being such wonderful followers. I hope you enjoy it.
> 
> (Huge thanks to anthfan and chasethewind for their help! You should really thank anthfan that this one is being posted. LOL.)

It was quiet again in the foundry, hours after Oliver had defeated Cyrus Gold and come back to them - to her - alive and safe.  Barry had gone back to Central City and Diggle had left after they’d given him the mask Barry had made for him.

 

She smiled remembering the moment.  The way he’d given her a silent nod - his okay for her to put it on.  

 

She could still feel the heat of his skin against her fingers as she had smoothed down the edges and stepped back.  A swell of pride had risen within her when he’d asked how he looked.  There was no other answer than to give than the truth.

 

_Like a hero._

 

Of course, he’d always looked like that to her.  And despite some of his methods when she’d first met him, she’d seen the good even then.

 

He’d come a long way from the man who’d walked into her office with a bullet-ridden laptop and a flimsy excuse.

 

Memories of finding him bleeding out in the backseat of her car flashed across her mind, which led to the deluge of more recent ones - finding him unconscious and barely breathing on a cold concrete floor of an A.R.G.U.S. warehouse.

 

She shivered and wrapped her arms around herself as she stared at the searches still running silently on her computers.  So far she’d come up with nothing of the man Oliver stated had gotten away when he’d defeated Gold earlier that night.

 

“You cold?”

 

His voice startled her out of her thoughts and she jumped, managing to keep herself from tipping to the left in her chair.

 

Taking a deep breath as he came to lean against the edge of the computers, she shook her head.  “No, just thinking…” she stated honestly.

 

She could feel his eyes on hers and drew in a breath before turning her chair to look at him.

 

He’d changed out of his green leather and was back in jeans and a pullover.  She was startled by the sudden urge to reach out and take his hand - to make sure once again that he was actually alive and well in front of her.

 

Pushing back that thought, she tilted her head and glanced up at him, meeting his gaze and momentarily allowing herself to get lost in the blue of his eyes.

 

A question that had been on her mind for the past day fell from her lips before she could stop it.  “So how much homework did you have to do on me to figure out I was trustworthy?”

 

There was no venom behind her voice, more of a tired weariness that had settled in her stomach.

 

She saw him frown in surprise and then blanch as he lifted a hand and scrubbed it through his hair.

 

Her eyes flicked to his hand and then back to his face.

 

“Felicity…”  His voice was a rush of air as he looked at her with a sudden unwavering intensity.

 

“On the island, trusting someone meant possible death,” he said softly.  “When I came back, that was still ingrained in me.  I didn’t trust anyone.  Not my mother, Thea, Tommy...I always expected people to turn around and stab me in the back.”

 

A frown formed on Felicity’s lips.  She’d known he’d been through more than anyone could imagine on that island and, although, she didn’t know all the details, she could tell he was still fighting those demons daily.  The number of walls he’d put up around himself were enough to tell her about his lack of trust, but hearing him say it caused a sharp pain in her chest.

 

“I never felt like I could be at ease, that I had to be on guard all the time.  And then I walked into your office…”

 

Felicity tipped her head to the side as he continued, trying to understand.  

 

“You started talking and, all of the sudden, I felt like I could breathe again,” he whispered softly, gazing down at her.  “You made me feel normal and I let down my guard...I never was able to put it back up around you again.”

 

Her heart fluttered in her chest as she sucked in a breath trying to grasp everything he was admitting to her.

 

She smiled hesitantly up at him,  “Well, that might be the nicest thing someone has ever said about my rambling…”

 

His lips tilted upward and he reached out a hand, covering one of hers that laid in her lap.  “It put me at ease...it still does.”

 

Felicity just shook her head in wonder as she returned the smile.

 

“You know I trusted you, even when you kept feeding me ridiculous lies,” she confessed softly.

 

He had the decency to look slightly chagrined as he cocked his head to the side.  His blue eyes regarded her with something akin to wonder and she fought not to blush under his intense gaze.

 

“After Walter disappeared and I was left holding this notebook that was probably the reason he got kidnapped in the first place,” she paused, sucking in a breath realizing she was speaking faster and faster.  “I was scared.  I could barely sleep…”

 

She trailed off remembering those nights spent waking at every creak and noise sure that it was whoever had taken Walter, come to get her.

 

Oliver’s grasp tightened around her hand and she was surprised to have forgotten that he still held it.  She shook her head to rid herself of the memories and continued, finding his eyes again - ones now filled with worry and a hint of regret.

 

“Then you came to me with that ridiculous story about the sports drink in a syringe,” she said dryly, raising unimpressed eyebrows at him and couldn’t help chuckling at the memory.  “That was one of your weakest lies and yet, it only strengthened my belief that I could trust you.”

 

She watched as his brows furrowed and knew he was confused about how that interaction would have strengthened her trust in him instead of the opposite.

 

“By that time, I think ideas had started to form in my head but I couldn’t let myself believe them.  But I knew whatever you were doing, you trusted me even with your ridiculous lies because you kept coming back - at least I thought you did or you thought I was blonde enough not to notice which I sincerely hope was not the case and I strongly suggest you keep that to yourself if it was, Oliver Queen,” her voice had taken on a warning tone and she watched as his lips quirked upwards, eyes twinkling.

 

When he leaned down, lips brushing against the shell of her ear as he whispered, she had to suppress the shudder that threatened to overtake her.  “Even before I knew you dyed it, I never thought you were blonde, Felicity.  I could see that you didn't believe me, but you kept helping and I was drawn to you…”

 

He let out a ragged breath that sent a shiver down her spine as he leaned back again, finding her eyes and holding them, crystal blue now cobalt.  “So I kept coming back.”

 

Felicity swallowed, letting her eyes slip shut as she soaked in his words.  

 

When she opened her eyes, she realized how tightly she was gripping his hand and eased it somewhat only to find he still held hers firmly with no signs of stopping.

 

Tilting her head up, she found him watching her, an unreadable expression on his face, but behind it all, she could see him still questioning his actions that brought her into all of this in the first place.

 

“Stop,” she whispered forcefully, and his brows flew up.

 

“When I took the notebook to you,” she began softly, “I was scared, but as soon as I saw you, that ball of fear that had been steadily growing in my stomach eased.  Handing you the notebook, I could see you knew more than you were telling, but I also knew that, somehow, I had made the right choice, and I slept that night.  I think...I think I understood then that even though you made up ridiculous stories and I didn’t know what was going on - I knew that you’d have my back.  I didn’t feel alone in it anymore…”

 

She gave him a small smile, “I just didn’t realize how safe I really was around you.”

 

Oliver’s eyes slammed shut and he shook his head.  “You’re not safe.  You’re in so much more danger because of me…”

 

Felicity stood then, needing him to understand.  She squeezed the hand still wrapped around his, the fingers of her other hand finding the edge of his jaw and trailing over it until his eyes fluttered open in surprise.

 

“I feel the safest when I’m here, _with you_.”

 

She watched him tilt his head, the little movement that she’d long ago decided was one of his favorite mannerisms.  Her thumb brushed against his jaw and his head canted towards her hand almost imperceptibly.  At the movement, her heart fluttered softly in her chest and she inhaled sharply as she bit down on her bottom lip wondering how far they were going to cross lines today.  She’d already hugged him - a first for them despite how close they had become over the past year.  And now she was touching his face again.  Personal space had seemingly been erased between them since his return from the island - as if now that they had started they couldn’t stop.  Somehow, Felicity suspected it would be the same once they kissed.  She knew if she had a taste of his lips - of him - she wouldn’t want to stop.

 

Her hand splayed against his neck and she felt the strong, elevated pulse thrumming throughout his body.  

 

“Felicity…” he finally breathed, and his voice was low and thick with emotion, one of which she recognized as his ever-present guilt.

 

She shook her head.  “No, Oliver.  I don’t regret meeting you.  I don’t regret you showing up in my office with those horrible stories or you coming to me for help after you’d been shot.  I don’t regret it at all. I never will...”

 

His eyes fell closed momentarily until she blew out a deep breath and pressed on, knowing her next confession could spark some of the anger he’d shown the previous day.  “Just like I don’t regret telling Barry about your secret -”

 

When his eyes flashed, she pressed on before he could open his mouth to interject.  “There was no choice Oliver.  You were _dying_.  I wasn’t going to stand there and do nothing...I couldn’t…”

 

Tears began to clog her throat and she swallowed thickly as she blinked, trying desperately to keep them at bay.  “You told me two weeks ago that there was no choice to make when the Count had me...well, there was no choice to make for me either.  Letting you die was _not_ an option, Oliver Queen,” she rasped quietly as alone tear slipped down her cheek.

 

She dropped her hand from his face to swipe it away but he was faster, his thumb gently catching the stray drop.

 

A stuttered sigh left her body and she tried to regain her composure before glancing back up at him.  

 

Instead of the residual anger she expected, he gazed at her with something akin to reluctant acceptance.  She caught a brief glimpse of the surprise that mingled with all the other emotions.

 

“I shouldn’t have yelled at you like I did,” he finally whispered, dark blue eyes locked with hers.  “I’m sorry.  I was just surprised; scared even - the more people know my secret the more dangerous it is for me, but mostly for you and Digg…”

 

She tugged on the hand that she still held, fixing him with a watery smile. “I just need you to trust me - know that I would never put you in danger,” she whispered.

 

“I do,” he replied immediately, stepping forward so there was no space left between them.  

 

Felicity felt her lips twitch into a smile and nodded her head.

 

When his fingers trailed from her cheek to push a few stray hairs behind her ear, she leaned into his touch and then his breath was against her face and she could barely breathe.  “I should have said this earlier, but thank you, Felicity,” he murmured, lips ghosting over her temple.  “For saving my life.”

 

The firm press of his mouth to her forehead left her leaning into his touch, the sparks from the place where his lips met her skin scorching her and leaving her wanting more.  

 

“I’m just glad you’re safe and that you came back.” she finally managed to whisper, the unspoken to me echoing in the room.

 

It was a few minutes before either pulled away and Felicity closed her eyes briefly to center herself before blinking them open to meet his.  As he shifted, she caught the glimpse of a bruise forming on the right side of his face, near his jaw.

 

"How do you feel?" she asked, trying and failing to hide the concern in her voice.

 

He'd come back to her relatively unscathed but she could see the bruises beginning to form not only along his jaw, but also beneath the collar of his shirt, and she was sure there were more. His ribs were still healing from the earlier run in with Gold so she knew that, at the least, they had to have taken more damage. 

 

Oliver sighed and made to step away but she tightened her grip on his hand and then used the hand on his neck to tilt his chin. "Please don't shrug it off. You were  _dying_ twenty-four hours ago. You're not okay. You were hallucinating people from your past and scaring the crap out of me..." 

 

She saw his jaw tighten - bristling at her words - and then he watched in wonder as her fingers moved over the stiff muscle and the tension ebbed away. When his eyes slipped shut and a breath escaped, she knew she'd won this battle of wills. 

 

"A few bruised ribs, but, otherwise, I'll be okay, Felicity," he admitted honestly. "And you already heard me tell Digg...no more ghosts..." 

 

She nodded, and swallowed, remembering him talking about the woman from the island, and whispered words of another man from there. 

 

Knowing she needed to step back, stop touching him altogether, otherwise she might never do it, she slowly slipped her hand from his jaw. She let it run down his chest, over the cotton shirt where she could feel the hard ridges of muscles beneath. He was warm and alive and she needed that reminder as visions of him lying lifeless on the medical bay table assaulted her mind.

 

Felicity went to return to her work when his voice stayed her.

 

"She was a friend...someone I cared for..." he murmured, and she could hear the ache in his voice and it clutched at her heart.  "Shado..."

 

Felicity remembered the name, and blanched at the way she'd reacted earlier.  He was opening up - or trying to and the fact that he'd brought it up again meant it mattered to him; that he wanted to share it.

 

"I wear the hood for her and her father...to honor them," he said, his voice low, eyes fixed on a point just past her shoulder.  "I _failed_ them.  Both of them."

 

Felicity swallowed as she heard the grief in his voice - and knew this was another one of the heavy burdens he carried on his shoulders.  She ached to lift those from him, take them so he could breath and live without guilt and heartache surrounding him.

 

She heard him draw in a shaky breath and traced the features of his face with her eyes, taking in every worry line and furrowed brow.   Her fingers itched to reach up and smooth them away.

 

Instead, she waited for him to continue.

 

"After I found Sara again, Ivo made me make a choice.  Sara or Shado...whoever I didn't chose, he would kill..."

 

A gasp escaped her lips and a ball of lead formed in the pit of her stomach because she knew exactly where this was going.  Tears formed in her eyes as she waited for him to continue.

 

When his hands balled into fists at his side, she had to restrain herself from reaching out to him.  He wasn't ready for comfort yet.  He still had things he wanted to say.  Afterwards, she would reach out to him.  But not yet.

 

His jaw twitched and she watched his face fall.  Suddenly desperate blue eyes were locked with hers as he spoke, tripping over his words as he tried to explain.  "I couldn't...he pointed the gun at Sara first...so I dove in front of her.  Before I could do anything, Shado was dead."

 

Two tears slipped down her cheeks as her heart dropped.  How had this man come out of all of this even somewhat in tact?  The fact that he wasn't in a mental ward was amazing to her.  He'd lost so much; seen so much bad and he was still loving, still hoping, still fighting.

 

"Oh, Oliver..." She breathed, and she saw him search her face for any trace of disappointment or disgust.

 

He would find none.  Only compassion and sadness; for everything he’d had to endure.

 

Her hands reached for him then, fingertips brushing over stubble as she cupped his face and slipped her thumbs beneath the tender skin of his eyes.  She felt the dampness there and her heart ached even more.  A halting breath fell from him and he shuddered under her touch.

 

"I failed her.  I couldn't protect her.  The last thought she had of me before she died was that I didn't pick her..."

 

Felicity swallowed thickly as another tear fell.  Stepping closer to him, she brought her face within inches of his, until all she could see were the blacks of his eyes.

 

She felt his hands land on her waist and grasp the material of her thin blouse.

 

"You are a good man.  That was an impossible choice - no matter what you would have done...he had already made up his mind.  He had to know you'd go in front of whoever he pointed at first..." she said evenly, her voice thick, as she tried to ease some of his pain.

 

When she saw his eyes going out of focus, she tightened her fingers, bringing him back to her.  "You are a good man, Oliver Queen.  The fact that you are even still here; that you can still love is amazing.  But you are so full of that..."

 

She was smiling now, her fingers tracing patterns through his hair and into his temples.  When he let out another breath and sagged into her, she caught him as his forehead fell to her shoulder and he shook.  Her arms banded around his shoulders and she held him tight.

 

His fingers tightened on her waist before sliding around and engulfing her, bringing her flush against him. She felt him pull in ragged breaths on her neck. Her fingers ran up and down the back of his neck, over the corded muscles and into his hair. 

 

Felicity knew he'd experienced pain and horrible things on that island. But every time she learned more, she was astounded that he had survived it all. Everything in her wanted to take away his pain, sooth the scars and heal his hurt and broken heart. 

 

She felt the wetness of her own tears on her cheeks and breathed deeply, squeezing her eyes shut and leaning her head into his, trying to lend him some of her own strength while his was crippled by the regrets that haunted him. 

 

His words from earlier played through her mind. He'd let his walls drop around her from day one and she couldn't deny the warmth that flooded through her with his admission. She wanted to be his safe place. She wanted him to be able to be himself - to show her every part of him - and know that she wouldn't run or flee. She wasn't going anywhere. She knew his heart to be good, and she loved him - all of him. 

 

A lump formed in her throat at that mental admission. She loved him. 

 

The fear of losing him this week had spiked a terror in her that she had never experienced before. It's why she hadn't been able to stop herself from running to him when he'd descended the stairs earlier. Seeing him alive and safe was overwhelming and nothing could have stopped her from being able to touch and feel that for herself. 

 

The fact that he'd reached for her as well - that she could feel the moment he sank into her embrace - caused a wave of feelings she wasn't prepared for. It was all so much and she knew that if anything happened to him, she would lose a part of herself as well. 

 

She must have tightened her arms around him because he did the same in return.

 

After a while, his breathing evened out and she felt him lighten his hold on her.  Stepping back, her hands found his cheeks once more.

 

The man that stared back at her was tired and worn, but there was determination and hope in him that she’d rarely seen.  That tiny sliver of hope caused her to smile and lean up, pressing a soft kiss to his cheek.

 

Without a word, she hit a few keys on her computer and lights dimmed.  She could see his eyebrows wrinkle in confusion, but she didn’t let him ask his unspoken question before she led him to the couch.

 

Pushing gently on his shoulders, he sank into the plush leather and she pulled the blanket haphazardly thrown over the back towards him.

 

“Sleep.  You need the rest.  The searches will take all night.  I’ll wake you if they find something,” she murmured, and was about to turn back around and head back to her chair, when his hand snaked out and caught her wrist.

 

She gasped, startled and almost fell into his lap.  A large hand landing on her hip kept her upright.  “You need to sleep too…”

 

Felicity chuckled nervously, tipping her head to the side and looking down at the couch, “I’ll be fine.  You need it more than me and I’ve still got a few searches I want to keep an eye on.  Plus, my chairs not that uncomfortable.”

 

“Felicity,” he intoned, soft with a hint of warning to his voice.

 

“Oliver,” she mimicked, and then deflated when she saw his unwavering gaze. “Please.  I just...I need you to rest so I know you’re okay and not the kind of rest that you’re forced into because your unconscious and dying and...just _please_ …”

 

After her words, his shoulders sagged and he nodded, when she motioned, he gave a small smirk before laying down, head propped up on a pillow.  

 

His hand gave hers a small squeeze of thanks before he shut his eyes.  With a soft sigh, Felicity resisted the urge to reach out and run her fingers over his brow and, instead, turned and returned to her chair.

 

She felt his eyes on her for a few minutes before she heard his soft snoring and realized that he’d actually fallen asleep.  Her eyes flicked over to his sleeping form and she couldn’t help the stirring inside her at the image of him resting comfortably.  She prayed for dreamless sleep for him.

 

An hour later, her own eyes began to droop, and she glanced again at Oliver’s sleeping form.  He’d curled himself up towards one end of the couch and she wondered if that was something left over from his time on the island - making himself as small a target as possible when he was at his most vulnerable.

 

With a yawn, she stood, stretching out the kinks in her back and neck before approaching the couch.  A cool draft hit her as she stood looking down at him and eyed the other end of the couch and the large blanket half-sprawled over him.

 

She threw a glance over her shoulder to her chair and then back to the couch.  Biting her bottom lip, she made a decision and hoped it wouldn’t backfire.  She knew there was no way she’d get any  kind of decent sleep in her chair, and she just needed to be close to him.  Just in case…

 

As carefully as possible, she moved to the opposite end of the couch and curled herself into the corner.  Oliver stirred, but didn’t wake and she knew he had to be tired and not quite completely healed because normally he’d be awake at the slightest movement.  When her feet brushed his under the blanket, she pulled them back and away until she was sure he hadn’t woken.

 

Then she slowly let herself relax.  Their shared body heat beneath the blanket warmed her chilled body quickly and sleep pulled at the edges of her consciousness.  

  
As she drifted off, she was too tired to open her eyes when she felt someone slip her glasses off her nose and shift her body so she leaned into solid warmth.  Instead, she just snuggled closer, breathing in the scent she associated with safety.  A solid warmth landed at her back and she fell completely asleep, a steady heartbeat beneath her cheek.


End file.
